7/11/2012

Dear Papa,

The sun is rising; but I've been up since 2:30.
It's been a strange four hours, because I've been alone.
These last couple weeks, I was busy.
Every second was scheduled, planned, structured.
I exercised and ate vegetables and applied cuticle cream.
all of my temperaments were
shaped by the expectations of our journey.
Soon, it will start again.
I will be busy working and going out,
and I will convince myself I like it.
Because I think the order is good for me.
Because I like being too busy to think.
We each waited an hour at the airport,
at different places.
and when I saw you, I was so relieved and
the weight of my loss, my ending, my beginnings,
rolled away as we talked about
our normal life.
and I realized that much as I
missed you, I didn't want to come back.
It's easier, over there.
No one needs surgeries and there are no forms to fill out,
and all you have to do is follow
the rules,
and they're easy.
Everything is under control.
So now, I'm cleaning everything up and
writing new rules.
Because when it comes down to it,
what else can I do?

I lit a candle for you, in a Cathedral in Berlin.
it cost a euro, but that's just a coin
and coins aren't real money.
I heard god laughing at my atheist prayer.

Love,
yr daughter